Life Now

The past year or so of my life, and especially the most recent several months, have been a season of major change for me. It's been an uncertain time that's in turns terrifying and exhilarating, sober and celebratory, confusing and revelatory, sad and joyful. I think this blog has captured mainly my calmer and more reflective moments during this tumultuous time, because when I'm freaking out or feeling giddy, I most often direct the energy outward and not inward.

Today is no different, I suppose, but as I was starting to write this time it occurred to me that I may come across as always pondering, but that's less and less the case for me. And ironically, that's what's on my mind at the moment -- I'm thinking about how I haven't been thinking so obsessively lately. One of my goals for myself has become to live more in the present moment, to appreciate the place and situation and people where I am now. For too long, really for all of my few adult years so far, I've agonized over what I should be doing for the sake of accomplishing things for myself and for the world around me. But the hypothetical accomplishment was always in the future. I do quite well not dwelling on the past (a characteristic that lends itself to both benefits and limitations), but I have overemphasized the future and have been in a perpetual hurry to get there, wherever "there" is. I've tried to settle things too quickly and map things out too far in advance. This has led to a lot of boredom and dissatisfaction when things don't happen quickly enough for me and also a good deal of anxiety that nothing seems to be happening, making life seem pointless.

Thanks to the huge amount of change in my life and newly introduced uncertainty about what comes next, I've been learning the truth in the advice that all we really have is the present, so we have to live now. In an amazing way, I think it makes the future much more promising, because I'm realizing I don't have to ascertain what's to come and work to set it all up now. It's freeing, and it's exciting to see how things flow and come into place. I worry a little about becoming too easygoing and not getting around to setting and working toward goals since I'm not very concerned with them right now, but I think that what I'm working toward is a balance of personal ambition and appreciation for all that the world makes happen without my intervention.

All in all, life is good. Actually, it's quite wonderful.

Return of the Mac

After spending much of the summer traveling, I am home. A few days before I returned, I felt ready to be back and achy for the familiarity of Chicago and the US. But rather than immediate relief and rest, I've been feeling disorientation and a bit of loneliness. Being home is bittersweet. I love being in my neighborhood and seeing familiar faces, and I'm happy that I'll see my friends and family soon, but I feel like I came back with not quite all of myself. The cliche goes that home is where the heart is, and if it's true, then that helps explain why I feel not quite all here. I think we all lose part of ourselves when we love, and that includes loving not only people but also places. At the same time that I feel such swelling gratitude for all that I have in my life, I also feel some sorrow as wonderful experiences are relegated to fond memories and photos. One of my aims lately has been to live more consciously in the present moment, though, so I'm trying to remind myself to take the opportunity during this relative uneventfulness to enjoy some solitude, allow myself some rest, and perhaps start on some new goals for fitness and creativity.

Traveler

Yesterday I returned from 3 weeks spent abroad, and I've been trying to alternate between getting some much-needed rest and taking care of some of the tasks at hand before my next departure in a week. Traveling for so long and to a variety of different places is something I'm immeasurably grateful for; the amount of learning is just incredible, and I get a real high from taking in new things and altering my way of thinking. Some reflections...

On home:

I've been restless for a long time, wanting to get away from home and also to move homes constantly. I love going from place to place, but as I have I am learning the value of having a place (and people) to call home, a space that I influence, that fits me and that I fit in. Constantly moving around makes me feel more at ease with the idea of having something settled and more permanent, where previously those two words, "settled" and "permanent", were unthinkably scary ideas. Now they're at least conceivable, even if I'm still not very enthusiastic about them.

On being American:

I think there is a way of thinking by some Americans who like to think of ourselves as broad-minded and understanding of other cultures. When in the US, this makes us do things like use politically correct language and go to different cultural events and try a variety of cuisines. When we travel, we like to keep a low profile and try to blend in when we're in a new environment, so we absorb as much information as possible both before we travel and as soon as we arrive. And while I think it's good for people to try not to be ignorant of other people's lifestyles and points of view, I have also come to the realization that no matter how open I am and how hard I try, I am so utterly American, and really, there's nothing wrong with that. India has been a particularly good place for highlighting to me all of my culturally idiosyncratic assumptions and behaviors, and I love the way it messes with me. It challenges me and also makes me love my country more than before. I feel unexpectedly patriotic, not in a "we're the best in the world" kind of way, but in an "America created me, America is in my blood" way. It's been a valuable lesson for me, and I don't think there's any proxy for being in a totally different context through travel, through existing for a while in a different place.

On flexibility and control:

When traveling, there's no way to plan it all out. You can have flights and hotels arranged, but there are going to be mishaps along the way and things about the place you're going or what you're experiencing that you can't read about ahead of time (and if you could you'd not understand til you were there experiencing it anyway). I have always been pretty controlling, afraid to look silly or incompetent and so avoiding situations that introduce the possibility. But traveling has taught me to be flexible, not to take myself so seriously, to ask questions when I need to, to accept when things don't go smoothly, not to think too far ahead, to acknowledge that I'm not doing all (or even most) of the steering. I'm along for the ride, and I'm getting better at it. I'm less fearful than I've ever been.

On effort and fatigue:

Traveling is hard work. But that makes it a really nice metaphor for life, I think. Anything worth doing seems to require some real effort and cost. For me, it's tough to fly because of my debilitating fear of heights, and I've been jet lagged pretty consistently for a few weeks now, and I'm sick of packing and unpacking and keeping track of documents and dragging around a couple of suitcases. In short, I'm really tired. But I'd also not trade the opportunity I've had to travel for anything. This life of mine right now is just amazing.

On flying business class:

This one is far less philosophical. Flying business class is incredible. Short lines or no lines at the airport, champagne before takeoff, and seats that recline fully to become beds. Genius. I'm ruined forever for coach.