Companion Energy

I feel kind of ridiculous saying it, but I really don't like living alone.  I can name a lot of up sides to it, mainly having to do with freedom and flexibility, but ultimately, I love having a companion.  Even if we're not doing something together, I like just being in the presence of others, their living filling even silence with energy.  In Mumbai, there was so much human energy everywhere just because there are so many people.  A lot of the time, it was too much -- too many people, all trying to do their own things and getting in each other's way.  I love that city at night because it calms down, but there is still a lot of life happening.  In Chicago, there are a good number of people out during the day, enough to give me that buzz of life being lived.  But at night, most people retreat to their homes, and since I live alone, sometimes it's just too still.  I intentionally got an apartment on a busy road so that I can hear cars and people outside later in the evening and earlier in the morning, which helps stem the feeling of isolation, but I'd really love to be hanging out in here with someone else, listening to traffic, watching football, cooking dinner.  I want to be surrounded by not only my possessions and interests, but those of someone else. 

But then, on the other hand...

My last blog post put a positive spin on the struggles of being in an ultra-long distance relationship.  Today I am not feeling so optimistic.  I'm wondering what on earth I'm doing, doubting my ability to endure a long separation when what we most need is time to get closer across our differences in cultures and personalities.  I want to get on with it, to progress and grow together, not put things on idle and get on with it a year or two down the road.  What even happens between now and then?  It feels like I have to make some hard, rational decisions about things that are close to my heart, and it sucks. 

A colleague of mine, also a nerdy researcher, told me to think of it like a conjoint exercise - basically decide how much each option matters to me (location, career, relationship) and then make a decision by picking the feasible combination with the highest value.  Not so sure that one is going to help me, but I have been realizing how highly I value this relationship.  Truly, I think that though I want a meaningful career in which I'm contributing to something I care about, I don't want it to be something that takes so much of my time that it's a struggle to find time for relationships and trying out new things as well.  I want a job that I'm good at that is important to me, but I don't want it to be all-consuming.  My company used to offer the option to buy an extra week of vacation, and I always said I'd buy as many weeks as they would let me -- my non-work time is extremely important to me, more so than a certain amount of extra cash flow.  So I want to prioritize this relationship, but I'm not sure if it's even possible.  I tried living in Mumbai, and while there are things that I will always be fond of about that city, it is a trying place in which to live everyday life.  A lot of it is the horrible balance of work vs. the rest of life that took over while I was there -- so even when I'm there, near to my guy, the time for relaxing or doing things together was limited.  So now I'm back in a less stressful place, with more personal time, and I'm alone.  It's incredibly frustrating.

Maybe there is some solution that I haven't thought of yet, some way to speed up the process of getting to the same place or some location that would be good for both of us personally.  I don't know...and I'm not sure how long I can wait to know.

Love and Learning

I'm a pretty restless person, or at least I've been in a restless state for long enough that it feels like a personality trait.  Partly it's that I've never reached a point when I've known exactly what I want and the action to take to make it happen -- I don't think most people have such moments of clarity, but the sense of "no, this isn't it", keeps me in motion.  I fear committing to anything that will limit my ability to alter my course if I change my mind - I think this is why most of the time the idea of having kids elicits a strong emotional "no!" from me.  And there's also a more positive force at play in my restlessness: my love of learning.  I want to keep learning, and with every new environment or situation I put myself in, my brain makes more connections, even if it gives me a fresh batch of gray hairs for the stress and effort involved. 

This is all a sort of long introduction to the specific thing on my mind tonight, which is what makes me stay in a relationship that is ultra-long distance and is bound to be that way for some time to come with no certain end in sight.  There is a way to spin it as totally romantic, and it really is, but I also hate it.  Talking at beginnings/endings of days, struggling at times to hear over traffic and unclear connections, staying in touch well enough to remain a meaningful part of each other's lives, even though we can't spend time together during our day-to-day lives.  So what keeps me going?  Love, obviously, but that's not all.  I feel like because I'm away from him so much of the time, I am learning to appreciate what's missing when there isn't everyday life to share - if we were together, I would more likely wonder if we were growing habitual and stale.  As things are now, I kind of wish I had that problem: too much time together! 

I also think that I've been forced to face the tendency I have to try to control in a relationship for fear of losing the other person.  It's a death grip-inducing fear I have based on the knowledge that good things can slip away - so I have a hard time knowing what the reasonable balance is between time with a significant other and time with friends, hobbies, and work.  Clearly every couple needs quality time together, but I tend to want a lot of it if given the option -- so it's not all bad for us to be getting some forced time apart so that we establish that we are in a relationship, but we still have individual lives to lead.  And then we can bring that individuality back and share it with each other when we talk, which I really enjoy.  Maybe that sounds oh-so obvious, but how people manage to stay together without holding onto each other with all their might is still something that is a mystery to me.  How do we let it ebb and flow and still feel confident that the outcome will be a healthy and happy relationship?  It almost induces panic in me, but it reassures me that I can feel the love and devotion coming my way, calmly and with intensity, even through the phone.  I'm fortunate that my guy is far more relaxed and patient than I am, both because it gives me the reassurance I want and because it means he's going to help make sure we're making decisions for the right reasons and not in haste.  This is where the love of learning comes in -- I think it's valuable for me to learn to be on my own, balance life as an individual with a long-term relationship, and have the patience to live through the experience of getting to the place we want to be together, wherever that ends up being.  I have to find joy in the process, not only the outcome.

I'm not sure that's totally thought through or well articulated, but that's all I've got in me for tonight...