I'm sitting here wondering where even to start. I guess if there is a theme, it's one of learning more about who I am and what I'm capable of, and of evolving relationships.
The biggest happening of the year was that I made the decision to get divorced, and it took most of the year for that decision to be finalized legally. There have been so many awful things about the experience -- deeply hurting someone I care about and watching him go from confidante to stranger almost immediately; the guilt, doubt, and fear that accompany such a big decision about a relationship; losing people who were previously family; letting go of a lot of money; bouts of depression, loneliness, and anxiety; feelings of failure; and quite a bit more gray hair.
But in the end, and this really amazes me, I feel happier. I have such gratitude for family and friends and all of the grace and support I've received from them where I expected more criticism and judgment. I've also been to two different therapists and have a great appreciation for the usefulness of their gifts and skills -- being deeply heard by someone has helped me to better hear myself as well as listen better to other people. I've learned more about humility, flexibility, both self-sufficiency and interconnectedness, and self-love. Also, I've learned more to discern between the things I can live with and the things I really want to live for.
A little more tangibly, highlights of the year include...
- Traveling all over the world (all the way around it, twice!) and seeing more than I would ever have dreamed I might see. Istanbul, the meeting point of two continents and focal point of so much culture and history. Shanghai, my first foray into the behemoth that is China, fascinating and intimidating and yes, odd. Mumbai, which is becoming an unlikely second home for me, always mind-bending and expanding, lovely and chaotic. Oxford, which is beautiful even in its ordinariness -- simple doors and houses are postcard-worthy. Brussels and Bruges, which kept me while I was sick and far from home, full of fantastic edibles and beautiful streets. Kuala Lumpur, a place I might never have thought to visit -- hot enough to draw comments from Indians, but with so many amazing places to see, gardens and mosques and an Islamic art museum. Bali, island of my dreams, where I spent one of the most idyllic weeks of my life, soaking in beaches, volcanoes, temples, and rice terraces.
- During a lot of the travel, my manager, Emily, was with me, which was a ton of fun. Especially when she got her picture taken with a lot of random Chinese people because she stood out with her blondness...and the time we were abandoned in a monkey-filled jungle and rescued by a kind Malaysian tour driver. We ended up with a lot of great photos and some funny stories.
- Evolving in my relationship with my mom, which has often been difficult -- but nonetheless, progress has been made.
- Making the effort to see more of my friends, and learning to let loose and have a good time. This resulted in my first (and second) hangover ever and relatedly, singing loudly to ridiculous music in public. Cyndee and Mandy took me out for shots and a ridiculous jukebox singalong after I told them I was getting divorced. Erin and I toured a windmill, drove across a covered bridge, were stalked by a giant ice cream cone at Culver's, went down an epic slide, and at at a crap-themed restaurant called Poopy's. I was surrounded by friends for dinner at Indie Cafe the night I moved into my own place, and they turned it into a "Mulligan" party, complete with shower gifts and a cake.
- Reconnecting to my roots and feeling more at peace with where I am from and how those people and places have shaped me. I spent more time with my family, more time in my hometown, more time with a high school friend I'd lost touch with. I feel more comfortable in my own skin, and I think that makes me more comfortable with everyone else and the ways that we're both alike and different from each other.
In the end (or the beginning, as it seems more appropriate to call it now), I am thankful. And I'm not making any resolutions for the year ahead -- though maybe that's a resolution in itself, to be better at taking things as they come and enjoying the journey through whatever comes next.
