Frustration & Compassion

The past couple of weeks have been especially challenging for me emotionally.  With my guy's visa process in limbo for nearly two months now, every week we hope that this will finally be the week when it will come through.  And while I try to pass the time as well as possible, with friends and family and work and books for company, the disappointment is never far below the surface - which means that my patience is thin, especially for things that stress me and stretch me even in happier times.

There is a common theme that unites the things that most easily scrape off the thin shell of normalcy and expose the irritated flesh below: slapping a smile over suffering.  I'm not talking about optimism, because optimism doesn't deny crappiness, but rather reflects a hope that the state of things will get better, and a gratitude for what persists that is good.  In that sense, I consider myself optimistic.  What irritates me is the lack of acknowledgement, whether by refusal to look, or inability to process, or sheer misapprehension, of the reality that sometimes things just suck.  And for the people going through a tough time, platitudes and encouragement to just look at the bright side are often the least sensitive response a caring person can give.  Sometimes the most compassion you can show is just to recognize the pain in someone else and allow them to cry, rage, or sit quietly while they work through it.  Don't tell them that God's timing is perfect.  Don't tell them it will all be over soon.  Don't tell them that, in the scheme of things, their current pain won't matter.  Let it be, and be there with them if they want you to be, even if it feels awkward and you don't know what to say.  It is not up to them in their time of need to make you comfortable around them or to try zooming far enough out of their reality to make it seem less significant and painful.  Just be there and be responsive to what they need, not what you would want -- this is compassion.

Election

This week has just been brutal.  I try to bear in mind that there are people in far worse perpetual stress, but it does not really make me feel any better (though I don't know why remembering other people's suffering is ever supposed to make anyone feel better...)  Anyway, I don't really want to enumerate the points of suckitude, but just knowing that such a list exists is good emotional context for this post.

So...last night was an election (if you missed it), and I was immensely relieved by the outcome as well as knowing that this means the stakes are even higher for getting things done in the next four years.  I was mercifully spared the vitriol that I hear a lot of other people experienced on facebook today, but there was one post that caught my eye, written by a woman who was a friend and fellow church youth group member in high school (and who, prior to yesterday, had not posted anything election-related):

I dont know why I expected anything different America....but the truth and the hope and encouragement is that before Christs return it WILL get worse ....so looks like the next for years we better spend a heck of alot more time on our knees....Nov.7th I am thankful for the Truth of Gods word- ALL of it....right down to Revelation!!!!! Pray with me!?!?

The thing that really gets me about this is that it's something many people would dismiss as extreme fundamentalism, and perhaps that's true, but it's hard for me to dismiss it because it's where I'm from.  It captures the essence of the thing that bums me out about my hometown, which is that I see a tragically narrow definition of God's love.  There are a lot of extremely eloquent and knowledgeable people who can articulate why I believe this is a misunderstanding  (Brian McLaren, Rob Bell, Danielle from http://www.fromtwotoone.com/...I don't think I'm clear and focused yet, so I recommend checking them out.  )

What I really wanted when I read this was to chime in as an alternative Christian voice, at a level of connection and not rational critique.  This is what I said:

I'll pray with you even though I have a very different perspective on the result and what it means for people of faith!

A handful of people "liked" my comment, so maybe there are others that read her post and had the same reaction as I did, because they also were motivated by their deep-rooted Christian values to vote for Obama.  Or maybe they voted for Romney, but value an inclusive response rather than a divisive one.

The comments feed was mum for a while after I posted, and then the woman's husband (also a high school classmate of mine) wrote this:

What it means for people of faith is so so broad. What it means for people who follow the one true God and His laws is that we need to continue to pray for our country and the president as well. But we serve God and His commands trump mans. We should pray that Obama makes Godly decisions but we need to continue to make Godly ones ourselves. 

I don't plan to respond again to this because it doesn't seem the right forum for picking apart the implications of "one true God" and God's commands trumping man's.  The response was a signaled to me that this is not up for discussion (which has to be one of the most difficult things for me to cope with, since I want to discuss everything in detail and get people to understand what their premises are and where they came from).  It's not a surprising response, since I know from facebook context that this couple is a close, loving one with their lives built on the foundation of some of the doctrines that I have found to be dissatisfyingly flimsy bases for my own reality.  They would likely see that as me being prideful and lost, and their response would be to pray for my heart to be changed - a loving response, so I can accept that, if a bit grudgingly.  But I see them as self-limited as well, and I also really hope that with time and experience they might better understand the expansiveness of God's love and the many ways that humans can be and live in that love.

As Shakespeare's Hamlet said (in a couple of my favorite lines ever):

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.