Self Love

I've begun a new routine of going for early morning walks on days when I work from home. It gets me out into the world and gets my mind and body up and functioning. It helps me to be more conscious of my emotional state and get perspective on what's going on in my life. And somehow being out and moving enables me to look at things more positively -- maybe the physical act of walking becomes symbolic of an internal progression: I'm moving, I'm going somewhere.

During my walk this morning, I thought about self love and how difficult it really is. I'm living alone for the first time in my life and facing a truth that I've known but hadn't dealt with before -- that I'm afraid of being alone, and I don't know what to do with myself because I want someone around to keep me company and to validate me. I have a tendency to scan the world around me for information and to assimilate it, which I think is a valuable skill to have. But I think that in addition to my love of learning that drives me to do this, there's also this other motive of wanting some outside confirmation that who I am and what I'm doing is good. I want a stamp of approval, a pat on the back. Now there's nobody here to give me that, and I'm forced to find something more stable within me for balance.

I need to learn to love myself, and so do most people I know. I'm still very early in a process that will probably never fully end, but here are some of the things I think will be a big part of it...

• Forgiveness. My acceptance of myself has been way too dependent on worthiness, living up to some standard of goodness. But I've failed, and I'm going to keep failing no matter how hard I try. I'm going to fail myself and other people, and I'm going to make decisions that don't turn out well, and I have to forgive myself of that.
• Being conscious of the present. I'm so goal focused, always looking for the purpose of everything I do, always plotting how to get closer to the that "real meaning", that I miss out on what's going on right here, now. And so much of the real meaning is here and now, in the process. When I forget that, I forget to tend to my own needs.
• Having fun. Related to the last point, I've never thought that it was worthwhile to do things just for the sake of doing them. I've wanted some compelling reason, some higher purpose. I've downplayed and even disdained emotions that don't lead to something productive. But we all need to have a good time, to experience some joy, and to realize that we deserve it.
• Believing that I deserve to be happy. I didn't even realize this was a problem until I was talking with my therapist and she asked me why I don't think I deserve to be happy. And I realized that I have had this assumption all along that I don't deserve anything. It goes something like, why should I feel entitled to anything? All I see are my responsibilities and how well I live up to them -- that is, I see what flows outward from me, but not not what could flow back into me. We all need things flowing back into us, we all need to give as well as receive. Without allowing some inflow, the outflow dwindles. I want to contribute to others' joy, but I can only do that if I am happy myself -- and I need to make sure my happiness is being fed.
• Balance. Taking care of myself is a product of my love for myself. And to take care of myself, I need both alone time and a social life, quiet time and noise. I need physical, intellectual, mental, and spiritual health. I need to indulge and possess self control, to be emotional and rational, to rest and to exert myself, to take responsibility and to be free of my worries. I can't ignore a vital part of myself in favor of another part that's easier for me to deal with. Balance is hard, and it's a dynamic and ongoing process that involves a lot of self awareness and emotional maturity. I'll be working on this one for a long time to come.

The god of beginnings

A couple of years ago, when I first visited Mumbai and was preparing to leave and come home, I was given a gift by the group I'd been there to spend time with and train. It was a metal wall hanging of the Hindu god Ganesh, who is the god of beginnings, among other things. Wherever I've lived since (and incredibly, I'm on apartment #3 since then), I've kept Ganesh near my front door to welcome everyone who comes to visit and to greet me when I return home after being away. Seeing him makes me think of the graciousness of everyone I met in Mumbai, the lasting impact that going there has had on my thinking, and just the idea of new beginnings large and small. I love the idea of a god of beginnings -- in Christianity, God is all-encompassing, so it's rare that we characterize God in really specific ways, such as creating new beginnings. But I think that's one of the most real and satisfying ways I've found to think of God -- it rings true. It seems that so many people I know, including myself, are beginning new chapters in their lives right now. And it's a wonderful thing, even as the changes feel somewhat overwhelming at times. But it feels like strands in a larger fabric, and I guess having Ganesh around reminds me of all that there is to look forward to.

Last night

I'm feeling really sad tonight. I was trying to think about how to begin this post, and that simple statement pretty well covers it.

Tomorrow I move out, and in the hassle and rush of packing I've been coming across things from the past, mostly small things, that are mementos of a relationship that's ending. And even though I'm the one ending it, even though I decided to do this, it's really sad. And it's not something I'm doing without any doubt. I think a decision of this magnitude is something that few people, if any, could make with total certitude. But I've made it in moments of clarity, as far away as they may seem now, and now I'm trying to get through this part where I follow through and put the choice into action.

Oddly, the hardest part of today has been just sitting on the couch and watching TV tonight -- with Mark. There have been a few times when we've looked at each other, and the sadness is overwhelming. I know we're both sort of amazed that this is really happening.

In all of this, in the midst of the doubt and fear, I'm trying to remember the hope that I have for the future. It's hard to keep in sight just now, but I do believe that both of us are going to get through this and have happy lives.

Giraffe

I'm realizing more and more lately that the point of it all -- that is, of life -- is joy. And I'm notoriously bad at enjoying things, so I've been missing the point. Big time.

I feel like I've been this sort of head-in-the clouds creature, like an extra-tall giraffe who only sees what's big or high up or far away, but never what's on the ground here next to me. But someone's tipped me over now, I've come crashing down painfully, and now I'm sort of lying here on the ground, sprawled out and confused by the sudden change in perspective. And you know what's amazing? It's beautiful down here. I'm injured and aching, but the ground is green and lively and full of lovely people whom I didn't look at closely enough before. I just want to keep lying here and rest for a while. And when I do get up, I want to start holding my head closer to the ground.

Owning it

This morning was one of the not-so-great ones that I've come to know will be but somehow still never quite expect. If I didn't have such wonderful people in my life, people who teach me the meaning of grace, that most undeserved sort of love and acceptance...well, I think I might not make it through such mornings. I have been feeling the weight of myself, of my decisions and their impacts on people I care about. Not for the first time, certainly, it's not like I'm just now realizing the impacts...I carry these things with me all the time. I own them. And I am learning what it means to own them, to be the person making the decisions and really bear the weight of the decisions -- it affects me physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I think for too long I've sort of acted as a bystander to my own will and emotions, without really owning the situation I'm in and my role in creating and sustaining it. I'm trying to change, and it's haaaaard. But what can I do but keep trying?