Blog love

Sometimes I am self conscious about my blog. I wonder if, when my entries are read consecutively, they're just totally disjointed. I actually try to make them individual entries, so that I can maybe avoid writing the same thing I did at some point before; but I wonder if that makes me sound totally unstable and all over the place. There has been a lot going on in my life in the last year-plus now, a ton of change in work and relationships, a lot of traveling and absorbing, and a lot of thinking and panicking and celebrating through it all. And so it happens that while my last entry was focused on my feelings of loneliness, this one is joyful.

Maybe I've not said this before, ever, but...I'm in love. I'm characteristically private in my relationships and spare in my expressions of affection, but it sort of bothers me at times that I never let people get much of a glimpse into my happiness because I'm too busy keeping my cool and looking calm and collected. Sometimes I worry that people mistake me for a robot. But I am super smitten and so very grateful for this very lovely guy. I didn't know how good it could be (whatever "it" is), and I strongly suspect it's only getting better from here. With him, and with life in general, as tough as it all can be sometimes.

Alone

I'm feeling pretty aimless and down lately, since returning from Mumbai. And I kind of don't want to blog about it because it feels kind of pathetic and whiny, too. But in general, I feel like I'm not really connected into a community, and I don't really know how to be. I don't know if it's just normal for someone who lives alone, but I spend a LOT of time by myself, and it makes me feel lonely and unmotivated. I don't just think think I could disappear and it would take a long time for people here to notice - I know it's the case, because most people I know, I see maybe once every couple of months. And maybe lately I've been lazy about putting in the effort to reach out and find time to see people, but it's partly because I know that if I don't, it's unlikely that they will. Maybe all of us are just bad at getting out or making a point to see people; but at times I also realize that most people I know have family or close friends who they are making a point to spend time with, and so their limited time and energy are devoted to them. I don't have family or a significant other nearby, and I'm finding it challenging not having that sort of go-to companionship that I had for a few years while I was married but that I've been lacking for the past year or more.

Now, I'd like to think of myself as a strong and independent woman and not a pathetic whiner, but this line of thinking really doesn't help my self esteem. I'd like to feel self sufficient and be content spending time with myself; and I'd like to feel like I can be a social go-getter who can go out into the world and make friends easily. But neither of those descriptions fit me right now. I know I could make more effort to do more fulfilling individual activities (reading, drawing, cooking, etc.), which would make my time alone a lot less lonely; and I know I could get out more (I am beginning a textile screen printing class next week, so that's good). I need to do these things. But at times, I want to hang out with someone else who knows me -- oh, man, the Cheers theme song just popped into my head ("sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name...") I'm guessing other people know this feeling, too -- sometimes I don't want to just go out and be with strangers just to get out of the house, I want some familiarity, to be in relation to someone else as more than a bystander or passerby. I tend to relish my alone time a lot more if it doesn't feel like a sentence but is in balance with relationships.

I guess that's all for now...sigh.

One month in...

This year is already awesome, and I'm hopeful that it will only continue to get better.

The Packers are in the Super Bowl tomorrow. I'm really nervous, but also extremely excited. The last time they went was 1998. And it's vindication of my claims all season that they are better than their record indicated (they never lost by more than 4, and the sum of their loss margins across 6 games was smaller than the margin in one of the Bears' epic flops!) The only down side is that I wish I had Packers fans to watch with...being in Chicago makes this tough, so I'll most likely end up in a bar.

I went to an Indian wedding and spent most of January in Mumbai. It was fantastic, both the wedding and the rest of the time, which I spent working and socializing. I missed my friends in the US, but everyone in India has been so warm to me that I started feeling comfortable there quickly. And honestly, I don't see my American friends nearly enough when I am here...something about being adults and working and having babies and weddings -- we are all busy, so I have a pretty quiet solo existence. Being in India always makes me think about my roots, where I come from and how I've become who I am...because it's such a different place and requires a pretty different set of skills to operate in. I'll probably write more about that when I'm in a little more reflective and less excited mood.

After such an exciting January, I'm eager for the rest of the year because I'll get to see my friend Kris get married (and all of the fun that precedes the event) and plan for my next big international adventure -- I'll be in Mumbai May through September, and I'm basically freaking out with happiness and anxiousness about it. I'll probably talk more about it in the weeks and months to come, but for right now I'm just kind of overwhelmed...in a good way. :)

I have no idea what happens in October and beyond...but I'm okay with that. One thing at a time...