The Uphill

I've really not felt like blogging much lately.  Partly it's that it feels like it requires so much explanation of my current context, which is almost impossible to explain, and partly it's that so much of it is emotional and hard for me to articulate.  I'm feeling relieved to be leaving Mumbai, which has not been an easy place for me to live, but sad to be leaving my few friends and guy here behind, and also disappointed that I don't feel like I have been able to adapt as effectively as I'd hoped over five months.  I'm also anxious about what it will feel like to be back in the US, in a place very familiar to me, after being away for a while in a place so distant physically and culturally.  I'm sure I'm going to answer with "haan" instead of "yeah" at times.  And going back to my old neighborhood and living alone again...I think it's going to be nice, but sometimes disorienting and scary and depressing.  My friends and family will be happy to see me, and I'll be excited to see them, but there's going to be part of me that isn't all there.  And of course there's the ache of going from seeing my guy every day to talking on the phone at odd times when we're both awake and available, and not knowing when we'll get to live in the same place again.  I think that's the one I'm most dreading at this point, though the loneliness of readjusting to Chicago and living on my own again also won't be fun.

I know I'm supposed to focus on the positive, but I don't think it will help to deny how difficult the next few weeks will be.  That said, I'll make the effort: The best piece of news I've gotten lately, which makes moving a lot better, is that my guy is going to get to visit the US in November and stay for both my 30th birthday and Thanksgiving.  I'm really excited that he'll finally get to see where I'm from and meet my family and friends.  Not the same as having him actually get to come and live in the US, but maybe it's a start down that path...

Melancholy

I'm feeling disappointed in myself because I feel myself slipping into melancholy again as I get closer to returning to the US.  I feel out of control, and the anxiety is driving me to distraction and at least some tears every day.  Sometimes I think I'm okay, that I'll make it through the day just fine, and then toward the end I just feel sad, or panicked, or both.  And not only that, but the insecurity is making me cling to my guy with uncomfortable intensity, and unsurprisingly it's making him want more time away from me, which makes me feel even more insecure...and it's a vicious cycle.

I know it's understandable to feel anxious and insecure right now, but what is it in my psyche that makes me suddenly start thinking that maybe it's all going to fall apart, that my depression and erratic moods are going to drive my guy away for good?  I feel so awful and painful to be around that I can't imagine why he spends so much time with me.  It sounds pathetic when I write it out, because I know that I'm not always, only this way all of the time, and I know there are things about me that make me likable and someone he wants to be with.  But at times when I don't have a lot to offer, when I need more than I can give, I feel guilty that he has to deal with me, and I lose sight of the fact that I'm not always a source of negative energy.

The other problem is my lack of close friends here who could also support me -- I have one other friend here who is close enough to confide in and talk about how I feel, and fortunately I get to spend time with her tonight.  But mostly I feel alone -- some of it is because I do tend to isolate myself when I'm feeling especially low, I don't like being seen this way and I don't want to go out and pretend everything is normal. 

I'm distracted and have a hard time focusing, even on important things like work, and I feel like I've become flakier, which makes me feel worse still.  I wonder why other people seem to function fine even with adversity, while I'm here feeling incapable of the standard day-to-day activities of life.

Back and Forth

I think the best advice I've gotten lately has been that I'm just going to have to get back to Chicago and see how things go before I decide what I really want to do next.  I know what it's like to live here in Mumbai now, but I don't know what it's like to leave my love here and go back to live in Chicago.  I'm going back with half a mind to turn and come back here again soon, because I'm truly not decided.  There's part of me that is craving Chicago again, but if this guy is really the person I want to be with (and I think he is), it feels foolish to just leave if I have the chance to be with him.  On one hand, I have to be in a place where I want to be, living in a way that is sustainable -- so clearly if I come back, something has to change in the way I'm living so I'm not wearing myself down.  Staying here sounds exhausting, but so does being so far from him...neither is really sustainable, and I don't know that I can just get used to either scenario.  So I may fly back and try to look like I'm living a normal life in Chicago, but it's going to be a while before I'm truly decided on where I'm going to be for more than three months at a time.

Craving

Someone asked me what food I was most looking forward to having again when I get back to the US, and I couldn't even narrow it to a top 10. So I figure food is as good a place as any to start in looking on the bright side of getting back to Chicago.  Here's what I plan to eat, but not necessarily in this order (and in some cases it will take multiple trips to the same place):

1) Indie Cafe - panang curry, sweet potato tempura maki

2) Kopi Cafe - egg sandwich supreme (hard boiled egg, horseradish, tomato, greens, on mini baguette), baked nachos, blueberry white tea, chocolate malt

3) Hopleaf - any beer, blueberry mead, CB&J (grilled cashew butter, fig jam, and morbiere cheese) sandwich

4) Icosium Kafe - Carthage crepe (feta, roasted veggies, walnuts), mint tea with honey

5) Tweet - veg biscuits & gravy

6) Coffee Studio - cappuccino, mini goat cheese quiche

7) In Fine Spirits - some kind of awesome gin cocktail

8) Apart Pizza - vegetarian (4 quarters, one of which is corn)

9) M. Henry - breakfast bread pudding

10) Hannah's Bretzel - any sandwich on bretzel, white cheddar & watercress sandwich

11) Bleeding Heart Bakery - veruca salt (salted caramel) cupcake

I'm also looking forward to fall baking, pumpkins, apple cider, and other festive foods (birthdays, Thanksgiving, etc.)  Mmm...

Limbo

It's been three months since I last wrote here, and I'm not sure what I'm even going to write about.  I've got about four weeks left in India for now, and I'm finding myself really moody.  I have a lot of anxiety about coming back, and though I've missed being in the US and seeing my friends and family there, I'm also leaving a lot here.   Before I came here, I felt torn between two places, in a sort of limbo, and while I've been here my living situation has felt impermanent, and I feel like I'm going back to another temporary arrangement.  I feel ready to proceed on with life with all of the elements in one place -- I'm tired of having a long-term relationship that's here, and a job that can sort of straddle two places, but home and friends and family elsewhere.  I don't expect home to feel like home anymore with such a conspicuous absence of the person I want to spend the most time with.  I am having a hard time deciding what to do when I get back to Chicago.  Finding an apartment and moving in and trying to get settled seems like a good idea, but I have plans to travel for some extended periods and getting a place that I'll be in enough to consider it home seems unlikely.  I know feeling at home in Mumbai is not something I could ever count on and in fact the place taxes my energy, but feeling at home even in a familiar place when I've got my life split across such distance is also not likely to happen.  Maybe it's ungrateful of me, because I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but I'm feeling down and anxious about what comes next and how it's all going to work out in the end.