The last couple of weeks have not been great. I came back from Mumbai almost three weeks ago, and for a week or so I was feeling numb, not thrilled with being back. And then when the numbness wore off, I just became irritable, even angry. Some of it has been a non-stop work and social schedule, but I know most of it is that I miss my guy and Mumbai. My level of tolerance for anything mildly annoying is virtually non-existent, and there are plenty of things that are more than mildly annoying (e.g. Republican Presidential primaries - what a horrible set of human beings). And I don't want to talk about it with anyone, because I know that while I have good friends and family who would have only good intentions and try to make me feel better, there's nobody around who will understand, and I don't want to hear platitudes about the importance of a social life in working through a difficult transition or how it will all work out in the end, it's not that long before I'll see my guy again. It all misses the point for me. I don't want to force myself to get over it, and I don't think I could even if I wanted - I just want to feel the way I feel, live how I need to right now to get by, and be allowed to be honest about it. I actually want to be in two places at once, not just so I can be with my guy, though that is at the top of my list. But I also felt for the first time, after my latest visit to Mumbai, that it was like home to me. It's familiar, and there are comforts there that I can't have here, the way that it is whenever a place feels like home. I'm tired of traveling, but I'm sad not to have a plan to go back and visit anytime soon. I hate not feeling rooted anywhere, but I don't want to have to choose somewhere that means I have to leave the other place behind. I'm frustrated with the ways in which I think America is lame, and with the ways in which it is simply not Bombay. I don't idealize India - the place pushes my patience to the breaking point and beyond at times - but I miss it, and I feel the ways in which Chicago fails to give me the things that I so want at times. I miss having people around who know what it feels like to be in Mumbai, who don't have only a vague and stereotypical picture of it in their minds. The other day I was seriously considering getting in touch with my guy's friend from his hometown who is staying in Milwaukee, whom I've only met once, just so I can spend time with someone from "the other side". And I know that if I were in Mumbai, I'd be irritated by the ways that Indians stereotype Americans, or criticize our government or culture without really knowing enough to be able to form an intelligent opinion. In India as well, I crave contact with people who understand both sides. So I'm constantly torn, wherever I am, and I have to shape-shift every few months while I move back and forth between two very different places, which takes more than a couple of weeks of acclimating and a positive outlook.
