Doubt and Belief

I preface a lot of my posts, but a preface to this one seems particularly fitting.  It's unlikely to be a complete take on my view of faith and its role in public life...more likely it's just going to be the rambling start of recording a thought process for me.

I struggle with the idea of faith, of belief.  Not because I think it's a bad idea, but because people of faith often seem to want to nail down the object of their faith (i.e. God) in fairly certain terms -- understandably, they want to know about the one in whom they are putting their trust.  They want to know if God is anti-abortion, or defines marriage and sexuality a certain way, or thinks government should help poor people, etc.  But I wonder how much this serves their own need for closure on each issue in question, versus actually promoting the Kingdom of God (to use a term familiar from my own upbringing).

Two reasons why this has been on my mind:

1. There is an upcoming presidential election, and as usual, there is an attempt to define one party as being for "values voters" - which suggests that if you are a true Christian, you will vote for a Republican, without ambiguity.  This drives me crazy, because I know a lot of Christian Democrats who actually vote on the left on account of their convictions, not in spite of them.  I get the sense that the "values voters" on the political right simply think that everyone else is wrong, lost, warped, sinful - which assumes that they, more than anyone else, are in touch with God and are thus uniquely qualified to choose leaders who will fight moral decay.  I just think, in all of the fear of moral disintegration of society and the opposition to change, many have lost sight of the big picture.  I think that the way we learn and grow as individuals is reflected in the way that society progresses as well -- and a lot of good has been done by pushing the boundaries of what is normal.  We weren't built to be automated robots, and we weren't meant to live the same way as people who came before us.
2. I've become less devout over the past few years...though perhaps "devout" is not the word to best capture what I mean.  The best quote I can think of to describe my worldview is from Hamlet: "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."  Essentially, whatever details people cling to, whatever we tell ourselves, I think we should persistently call into question, test, doubt.  As Thomas Jefferson said, "Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call to her tribunal every fact, every opinion.  Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blindfolded fear."  Instead of trying to memorize verses and pore over obscure Bible passages looking for very specific answers to my very specific questions, I more often doubt that there is an easy answer.  This leaves me scratching my head sometimes over how, exactly, God influences my judgment and decisions...but I find it dissatisfying when people match a truism with every question.  I think part of faith for me is that things will be okay even if we leave things ambiguous, even if we don't get them entirely right, even if there isn't an entirely right solution - after all, there are a lot of trade-offs, and what is optimal is not going to be flawless.  A lot of what motivates the way that I interact with people and my political decisions is a sense that none of us knows entirely what's best, and rarely is what's best a universal applied to all people in all contexts, so we need leniency and flexibility.  The same way that it drives some people crazy to leave matters of belief open-ended, it frustrates me when some people are more intent on nailing them down as quickly as possible, because it seems motivated more by fear of the unknown than by serious consideration and knowledge of God's will.

That's all I have in me tonight...possibly to be continued...

Where to start?

I'm such an inconsistent blogger, I sometimes wonder if anyone is still reading!  But just the same, I like writing for the sake of writing sometimes, so I'll try to get back into regularly putting down some of my thoughts.

I guess the best place to start is personal.  After years of hyper-long distance love, my guy is moving to Chicago.  It didn't hit me fully at first, but my excitement and joy keep building as his arrival gets closer.  I know that I'm likely to have some characteristic existential crisis - about being in one place for a while without the assurance of regular travel (which is both awesome and anxiety-inducing), about living with a long-term partner again (also both sweet and scary), about the general "what now?", now that I have the stability to focus on other parts of my life.  I want to build a more normal life with my guy while keeping our flexibility and craving for new adventures - it will be wonderful to take off to new places together instead of traveling around the world to see each other, and it will be fantastic to know that we'll call the same place home.  I'd love to take my career aspirations more seriously and figure out what I really want to do next, to take better care of myself by getting into a healthier routine, to cultivate deeper friendships, to become more involved in my community, and to get back in touch with my creative side.  It's the start of a new phase, and I can hardly wait til he lands here in a few weeks and we begin, officially!