I can be less abstract here -- I don't remember what it felt like when I was happy in my marriage. And now that it's over, I can think back over the past several years and recall the fact that there were happy times and even remember the events in some amount of detail...but what it was like to be there and feel that way is gone.
I've not really journaled much throughout my life, but earlier this year when things were actively unraveling, I wrote about how I felt a few times, and I've been journaling a little bit lately as well. When I go back and read about my feelings, I can recall them better, which is encouraging to me -- it means I can still relate to myself from several months ago. And it makes me feel less callous, makes me realize that behind my analytical exterior and tendency to look forward and not back, I am also feeling my way through life as it's happening right now. But that also unsettles me a bit, realizing how feelings can be there in one moment and change in the next. It can make me feel unreliable in my judgments, even though I think I have fairly good judgment.
I guess what it comes down to is that it's just so hard to know something with certainty, because what we know is so tied to what we feel and experience and live. Committing to one version of reality, to one life path, to one person, without the option to change and adapt based on new information, is something I don't understand. How do people stay married for decades, truly til death parts them? And not just how, but why? What compels them aside from obligation? How do we keep growing together with another person in a way that is mutually enriching? Somehow I think it's both simpler and more difficult than it seems. Simpler, in that there are probably some basic principles to follow that help; and more difficult, because learning and applying basic principles is not as basic as the principles themselves, and applying them consistently enough to sustain a relationship over time is a tall order.
The funny thing about life, though, is that it's a learn-as-you-go venture. So while I'm thinking through these questions, I know that ultimately the answers are in living them out. This is not a style I'm naturally at ease with -- I like to look before I leap -- but I'm trying to learn to relax and have some appreciation for this sort of free fall.
