Sunday, January 11, 2009

I'm really not a big jerk, for the most part

Most people with whom I spend any time at all probably know how fascinated I am by personality type, in particular the Myers-Briggs type indicator. It has helped shed some light on my tendencies and the relationships in my life, especially the most difficult and strained relationships. Sometimes people are naturally predisposed in ways that makes it hard to understand how each is not intentionally being the way they are for the purpose of making the other insane. But I've worked to accept that this incomprehensibility is part of life, and in fact it's actually pretty valuable to have people coming from drastically different angles to bring some balance to the world. My current trouble is that not everyone appreciates or even feels inclined to tolerate this diversity, and in fact some are not particularly fond of my personality in particular. My self image doesn't really depend on this approval, but it's still hurtful when I feel essentially rejected. So to indulge myself, a couple of clarifications (yes, those are bullet points):
  • On being "different," when the word is used euphemistically - I'm not different from people for the sake of difference alone. When I'm different, it is because I don't like taking things for granted or on someone else's authority. I evaluate, then decide...and this sometimes leads to decisions that are not mainstream.
  • On being "analytical," when the word is used as a synonym for "insensitive" - I don't think this is totally unfounded every time. But I also don't say things with the aim of hurting, so I hope other people will try to see the intention and not only the level of varnish.

The final thing I'll note as a thinking personality who is a woman is that it's even easier to be seen as wrong or unnatural when you don't fit the overtly nurturing expectations that have become part of what our culture considers feminine. Something that I have found is that if I don't express my feelings, many will assume that I don't have them, which to me seems like a very strange thing to believe about another person. This kind of judgment does spur more introspection in me, though, about how I come across to other people. Lest we all decide that feelers really are nicer people than thinkers, I've come up with a couple thoughts on ways in which thinkers might be particularly gifted to consider other people (cue bullets again):

  • Intuitive thinkers in particular have a tendency to be very open-minded and not judge people for being different - the question to me is, "Why not?" Everything is up for consideration.
  • If a thinker's worldview & principles encompass believing that every person has human rights, then this view that they have certain entitlements is going to be quite firm and won't easily be swayed by how we feel about what a person has or has not done or whether or not we like them.

This is all quite self-defensive, but it's been on my mind recently, so I thought I'd get some of it off my chest. And of course, if others also experience identity/society/interpersonal tensions, I'm always interested to hear about them. I think many of us have similar types of struggles.