Happiness

I am happy.  It might be hard to tell much of the time, because I go through periods of low moods, worry about the future, and get frustrated with the status quo, and those are the things that I am most apt to talk about.  I'm by nature someone who has to try pretty hard to remember to say it out loud when there's something good or right or wonderful - these things aren't problems, so I don't bring them up very much.  I'm more likely to stay silent until I notice something not right, and then I am on top of it, sometimes in a pounce.  It's something that I would like to be better at - giving compliments, encouragement, and generally reflecting positively on the world around me in a more outward way.

At the same time, there is also a sense in which my own experience of happiness and joy is so deeply felt and so close to everything I value that it is more difficult to express, both because it is hard to articulate and because some things can only be shared with a person who empathizes or reciprocates them.  And I also have this feeling that what I hold dear, my experiences of love and connection and insight that bring me joy and exhilaration, are things that not everyone values, and I don't really want to share them with people who don't appreciate them because it will disappoint me .  I crave depth and complexity, and revel in things not being too tidy or easily understood - I love the striving, the intricacy, the challenge of the incomprehensibility of things.  I'm suspicious of the simple and dislike the sugar-coated, because I think very little in this world is simple or purely sweet, unless we are ignoring a lot.  I want a wide-eyed view of reality, bringing the periphery and blind spots into full view, beautiful and ugly, familiar and foreign, and I want to soak it all in because it's all part of one big, connected reality.  I want the kinds of things that are good beneath the surface, in their essences - I love surprises, what's hidden inside to discover, eclectic collections of anything - people, buildings, books, art.  The possibilities that come with embracing and making change are enough to make life worth living.  These are the things I love.  Convenience, ease, and luxury may be nice in some ways, but ultimately they are not satisfying goals, and I'm not interested in pursuing them because they are oriented toward avoiding effort instead of investing myself in something that matters and seeing a return in happiness.

And now that I'm not sure how to conclude, I'll just say it again: I am happy.