I've found it astonishing lately how much distrust there still seems to be in women to make decisions about their own bodies, particularly when it comes to reproductive health. I'm not astonished because this is news to me, but because I am frustrated that as a society, we can't seem to reach a consensus that mandating very personal decisions for women is demeaning and coercive. I can't help thinking that at the root of so much of the ideology around abortion and birth control and women's sexuality, there is a belief that women are meant to be mothers, that they should want to be mothers and welcome even unexpected pregnancies as some sort of unplanned blessings. Women having sex for pleasure and not wanting children runs counter to the patriarchal idea that women are, at their core, meant to be nurturers, pouring their lives happily into their progeny.
To be clear, I know a lot of wonderful, nurturing women, who find fulfilling roles in caring for their families - no easy task, and not one that gets them a lot of accolades. But because I find myself more often feeling a sense of dread than a sense of possibility when I consider having children, and I have felt this way consistently through my 20s and still now that I'm 30, I find the pervasive, idyllic image of contented motherhood really creepy. Not because motherhood is creepy, but because choosing non-motherhood isn't a fully accepted choice for women, and there's subtle and not-so-subtle ways that women are pushed to have babies or do a lot of answering for themselves. I wish I were one of the women who either has always known she wanted children or has known, unequivocally, that she never wants to be a mother. I have been pretty far down the "no, thanks" side of the spectrum for years, but I still have my moments of wondering, "What if?", so it doesn't help that most of the comments I get are uncritically pro-baby. There are some people who are just fine with the decision to not have kids, but there are others who clearly don't understand. The fact that it's so shocking to some people is testament to the fact that people assume that a young woman without children just doesn't have children yet. A couple the most frustrating reactions and rationalizations I've gotten:
To be clear, I know a lot of wonderful, nurturing women, who find fulfilling roles in caring for their families - no easy task, and not one that gets them a lot of accolades. But because I find myself more often feeling a sense of dread than a sense of possibility when I consider having children, and I have felt this way consistently through my 20s and still now that I'm 30, I find the pervasive, idyllic image of contented motherhood really creepy. Not because motherhood is creepy, but because choosing non-motherhood isn't a fully accepted choice for women, and there's subtle and not-so-subtle ways that women are pushed to have babies or do a lot of answering for themselves. I wish I were one of the women who either has always known she wanted children or has known, unequivocally, that she never wants to be a mother. I have been pretty far down the "no, thanks" side of the spectrum for years, but I still have my moments of wondering, "What if?", so it doesn't help that most of the comments I get are uncritically pro-baby. There are some people who are just fine with the decision to not have kids, but there are others who clearly don't understand. The fact that it's so shocking to some people is testament to the fact that people assume that a young woman without children just doesn't have children yet. A couple the most frustrating reactions and rationalizations I've gotten:
- "Maybe in a few years." I got this response when I was 23, and I still get it at 30. It basically says, "You are too young to know what you actually want." I'm fairly confident that most women having babies in their early 20s don't hear, "Are you sure you want to be a mother?" This one really makes me feel like my judgment isn't trusted, because the logic seems to be that if I had good judgment, I would decide to have children.
- "It's different when it's your own child." or "Everyone who has kids says they are so glad they did, even if they didn't want them before." I don't think having a child because I probably won't regret it is a good reason to create another person. And I'm also fairly certain that anyone who does regret having kids is disinclined to share that with the world.
In the end, I just want to make my own decision without other people's views having undue influence, and I want other women to do the same. I came across this op-ed today and thought that it and the reader comments that followed included a good set of perspectives:
2 comments:
I have definitely made the "in a few years" comment to you, but I meant no harm by it. I just don't understand how people can definitively say things like "I'll never get married" or "I'll never have kids." You may change your mind. But I don't think that's related to age, I think it's just good to be open to changing your mind. Just like with my faith. There were things I thought were absolutes when I was younger that I have totally changed my mind about. So I hope you didn't take my comment the wrong way. I'd never judge you for not having kids.
Yeah, I understand that the conscious intent of "Maybe in a few years" is to stay open minded...but nobody says the same to someone who expresses the desire to have kids - "maybe in a few years you won't want them anymore, just wait and see". So I do think it says more about what people expect and think is normal to choose, or about what they themselves want and feel, than it is about wanting me to keep an open mind - I guess I take it as self evident that all of us could change our minds, and that's actually a good thing to be flexible (and I don't think I've shown any lack of capacity for that, so why should anyone be worried?) And it only seems to come up as advice when the decision being made is one that other people don't really understand...
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