Stuck

For the first time in over 2 years, I don't have any travel plans on the horizon.  It's strange and I haven't quite acclimated to the idea that I'm likely to be in Chicago, or at least Illinois, for at least the next few months.  It's something I've said I wanted after the toll that so much traveling has taken on me, but now that I don't have a ticket booked to somewhere else, I am already starting to feel itchy.

I feel like I'm waiting for whatever comes next to come and find me this time, after years of seeking and finding a lot for myself.  I'm hoping that my guy will get to relocate somewhere that we can live together and be happy.  I'm waiting for the solution to be found.  I'm uncomfortable sitting, hoping, and trying not to hope to hard lest I set myself up for disappointment.  It doesn't sit well with me not to be taking matters into my own hands and figuring out how to make it work.  I don't like that I don't think there's much that I can do anyway.  I'm not living in the moment the way that I think I should, because it seems like such an idle moment, and not a very enjoyable one - it doesn't even feel like a moment, really, but a time between moments.  I feel more angry than ever at times, and indifferent at others, and then there are relatively few that I really, deeply enjoy.  

I don't want diversions to take my mind off of the things that are important to me, I want to live the life I've been working toward for the past couple of years.  I don't want to wait for the wheel of fate, or someone else's will, to spin me toward my next destination and mission.  I'm ready to move forward, but I feel like I've been pinned down in a limbo of mediocre options.