Growth

I took some time today to read through my blogs throughout the past three years.  It wasn't really fun reliving some of the more difficult emotions, but I did realize a couple of things.  First, I have come a long way and grown a lot, in ways that are both on the surface in what I've written and in ways that are not explicit but that I can feel.  And also, more than ever, I realize that there's a somewhat limited part of me that I share on my blog, which is generally me at my most rational and reflective -- which is part of why there are so many ways that I've changed that are harder to track on the blog - so much of my growth has been emotional.

In spite of the persistent moments of anxiety about how things will ultimately turn out, I am feeling more relaxed than ever.  At the very least, even if my circumstances suck at times, I am much happier with myself.  I love myself, and I can even manage to cut myself some slack for being human and making mistakes.  I'm comfortable in my own skin, more understanding of my own needs, aspirations, motivations, and reactions.  I'm not driving myself crazy with self criticism anymore.  Two years ago when I left my marriage, I had a lot of self doubt, but within a couple of months I was experiencing some glimpses of the happiness that comes from being honest and taking a risk on behalf of myself.  Now that my view is largely retrospective and the acute pains have been replaced with occasional dull aches, I am glad I did what I did.  It turned out to be the right thing to do.  It's hard to imagine that I'd be anywhere near as happy as I am now if I'd chosen differently.  I still experience plenty of hurdles and pains, but I can vouch for the blessings that can come from taking a leap of faith.

I'm living a pretty fantastic story, one with great love that persists against all odds.  And if that weren't enough (and it really is), I have gotten to travel, meet new people, and learn a ton in the process.  I have a lot to be thankful for.