I find myself thinking a lot lately about what it is that I want to, need to, and should do, and how those three verbs (want, need, should) balance vs. each other. In any one choice, can I accomplish all three? I find myself feeling selfish when I do something that I want to do and not something I should do, even if it's not something I'd say I shouldn't do.
That's vague, I know. But a little more specifically, I think about the relationship I'm in, the things in it that I want, and the other needs that I have. No relationship can meet all of my needs - there's a lot that's up to me, and a lot that gets filled in by having different relationships - but which things are requisite for me to be happy in a relationship, and which things am I willing to concede? I've never been happy with any concessions - even as a kid, and even when making trivial decisions (e.g. which item on the fast food menu would I like this time?), I have had a hard time with the things that I know I'm not getting when I choose something else.
My guy is lovely, and I'm pretty crazy about him - I like the way he sees the world differently from me and doesn't balk at the challenge of being together, to name just a couple of things. He's a pretty non-ideological and level-headed person, which is a good counter-balance to me with my critical eye - but at the same time, I know he's not likely to share my interest and passion for social justice (and I don't share his love of sports). Knowing that I myself have a hard time being disciplined in my approach to life, I know that being with someone who isn't going to be inclined to push me means that I will have to motivate myself a lot of the time. I know he will always be supportive and encourage me to follow my heart and my principles (another thing I love about him - never overly concerned with what other people think), but he may not have the same causes trigger him. To what extent do I need or want someone similar to myself, and to what extent is the difference good or at least manageable? I was married to someone with similar principles, and I didn't feel sufficiently challenged and engaged in the relationship. Now I'm with someone who sees the world quite differently in many ways, even coming from a very different cultural background from myself, and I sometimes face doubts about how we're going to pull off staying together. For now it works, with blips here and there, but since my wants and needs are shifty things, it takes considerable discernment to decide, with confidence, that this relationship can last, ebbing and flowing as it may need to, but persisting.
Then there's also the tug of superhero aspirations - I want to make a difference in the world, and I know I have a hard time maintaining the will to make the effort, so maybe I should be with someone who will "crack the whip" more and push me to contribute, not let me get complacent. I don't think "taskmaster" is a quality I'd really like in a partner, but when I think about doing the most good, I wonder if I need someone to help hold me accountable or spur me on by their own example of drivenness. Then again, I love my guy...and I know he wants what is best for me, so maybe that's all that is needed to have the support I need for my aspirations. I lean in this direction and hope that it is true...and that it brings happiness, fulfillment, and some good things to the world around me.
That's vague, I know. But a little more specifically, I think about the relationship I'm in, the things in it that I want, and the other needs that I have. No relationship can meet all of my needs - there's a lot that's up to me, and a lot that gets filled in by having different relationships - but which things are requisite for me to be happy in a relationship, and which things am I willing to concede? I've never been happy with any concessions - even as a kid, and even when making trivial decisions (e.g. which item on the fast food menu would I like this time?), I have had a hard time with the things that I know I'm not getting when I choose something else.
My guy is lovely, and I'm pretty crazy about him - I like the way he sees the world differently from me and doesn't balk at the challenge of being together, to name just a couple of things. He's a pretty non-ideological and level-headed person, which is a good counter-balance to me with my critical eye - but at the same time, I know he's not likely to share my interest and passion for social justice (and I don't share his love of sports). Knowing that I myself have a hard time being disciplined in my approach to life, I know that being with someone who isn't going to be inclined to push me means that I will have to motivate myself a lot of the time. I know he will always be supportive and encourage me to follow my heart and my principles (another thing I love about him - never overly concerned with what other people think), but he may not have the same causes trigger him. To what extent do I need or want someone similar to myself, and to what extent is the difference good or at least manageable? I was married to someone with similar principles, and I didn't feel sufficiently challenged and engaged in the relationship. Now I'm with someone who sees the world quite differently in many ways, even coming from a very different cultural background from myself, and I sometimes face doubts about how we're going to pull off staying together. For now it works, with blips here and there, but since my wants and needs are shifty things, it takes considerable discernment to decide, with confidence, that this relationship can last, ebbing and flowing as it may need to, but persisting.
Then there's also the tug of superhero aspirations - I want to make a difference in the world, and I know I have a hard time maintaining the will to make the effort, so maybe I should be with someone who will "crack the whip" more and push me to contribute, not let me get complacent. I don't think "taskmaster" is a quality I'd really like in a partner, but when I think about doing the most good, I wonder if I need someone to help hold me accountable or spur me on by their own example of drivenness. Then again, I love my guy...and I know he wants what is best for me, so maybe that's all that is needed to have the support I need for my aspirations. I lean in this direction and hope that it is true...and that it brings happiness, fulfillment, and some good things to the world around me.
2 comments:
I think you're worrying a lot about the should... I think you're right- if he loves and supports you, that will be enough to motivate you. I think it would be awful to be married to that taskmaster type. Maybe it would be motivating at first, but then what if you start doing things out of guilt, or because you're afraid he'll judge you, not just because of the happiness it brings you? What I think you SHOULD do is just go with what makes you happy. Do what you want and need and forget about "should." :)
I completely agree with What Erin is saying. I could not have said it better:)
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