I've had a ton on my mind lately...what the next step is in a very-long-distance relationship, whether I want to make a geographical move and/or career move in the next year, the nature and strength of my friendships...the list could go on. At the moment what I'm kicking around is my financial standing and how it interacts with my guilt and sense of responsibility, as well as the decisions I make about everything I mentioned in the previous sentence.
What it comes down to is that I don't know how I should be dealing with my finances. For years now I've felt strongly that I should be giving a proportion of my income (generally 10%, sometimes a little lower, sometimes more) to charity, to support not only myself but those around me. When I was married, my husband felt perhaps more strongly about giving, so together we budgeted more than10% of our income to give to charity on a monthly basis. After letting this slide a bit last year and giving more like 5-10% during the months of high expenses that came with moving out, paying rent and living expenses for two apartments for a few months, and financing a divorce, I went back to giving a stable 10% of my gross income. Which sounds nice, maybe, but I struggle with it at times.
First, I feel frustrated that being married to a grad student for 4 years cost me nearly half of the income I earned during that time - my savings were set back a lot when I handed over tens of thousands in cash and retirement funds that I have never fully felt was "ours" to divide up. Surely it can be debated what was the right or fair thing to do, but to some degree I feel taken advantage of, and I don't think it's sheer greed that makes me feel that way. I think in retrospect, my financial decisions during the divorce were driven largely by the immense guilt of being the only one who wanted to get the divorce to begin with...more on guilt to follow.
Second, this year I've spent thousands on travel, mainly between here and India, mostly on account of being in a relationship with an Indian and wanting to spend extended amounts of time with him and see if we can make things work. It's something I've wanted to do, but it's taken money that would otherwise have been savings and sunk it into airline tickets. And I'd love to have the situation resolve and have us be able to live in the same place, but I'm not sure how soon that will happen...so the travel spending will likely continue to be pretty high next year as well.
So with my savings flat, my investments fluctuating, and my projected expenses high, I'm struggling to keep my resolve to keep giving 10% of my income away. Already I'm a little behind on the past couple of months, and I'm just not totally sure what to do. On one hand, I feel like I make good money and only have to support myself, so I should do what I can to help others who don't have as good of a situation as I do. On the other hand, I feel like I could really use the savings so I can possibly buy a home, relocate, take a pay cut to pursue a job opportunity, etc. So I'm torn.
And back to guilt...I think it has a ton to do with it. I realized while on a solo walk this morning that I actually feel guilty for having a good income and not struggling, so it fills some sort of psychological need for me to give a lot of it away. I also feel guilty that I'm not an activist and am not that active in my community, that I work a corporate job that doesn't do something really good for the world but is primarily driven by profit. I struggle with finding meaning, and giving to causes that uplift people and create opportunities that otherwise wouldn't exist makes me feel better. But I am not so sure the sense of guilt about my status is a healthy motivator.
I struggle when I look at my finances, I try to tell myself that rather than cutting my giving I should cut my spending on myself, and probably there is some truth to that...but I don't feel like I live lavishly, and it's been a rough couple of years for savings, so it's really hard for me to stay the course and keep giving at the same level. But the feeling that I'm selfish and greedy for wanting to keep more for myself is still there. I know it's not totally fair to feel that way, that I have to grant myself some leniency since it's been a rough couple of years financially, but it is still difficult. I feel resentment about what the divorce did to my finances, so that also complicates things and also makes me feel badly for not totally letting it go. There's part of me that feels like by giving, maybe I'm trying to atone for the divorce and reclaim the moral high ground that my ex seemed so solidly to have over me...which is why I find myself resenting my ex: because I think he thought he was better as a person than me somehow and deserving of the money I earned for the years we were together. But really, it is likely more the nasty little voice at the back of my head than him whispering that to me. I haven't even seen him in months, and it really doesn't matter what he thinks of me, but still it influences me.
I guess in the end, I am trying to move forward in my own way, to find a balance between the things I want and need and my desire for meaning and contributing positively to the world, and I've lost both a lot of money and the person who held me accountable for the latter goal. If I live differently from how we lived together, does it mean that I've changed for the worse and become a more self-centered person? Rationally, I may say no, it does not, but it's a tough sell to my conscience.
What it comes down to is that I don't know how I should be dealing with my finances. For years now I've felt strongly that I should be giving a proportion of my income (generally 10%, sometimes a little lower, sometimes more) to charity, to support not only myself but those around me. When I was married, my husband felt perhaps more strongly about giving, so together we budgeted more than10% of our income to give to charity on a monthly basis. After letting this slide a bit last year and giving more like 5-10% during the months of high expenses that came with moving out, paying rent and living expenses for two apartments for a few months, and financing a divorce, I went back to giving a stable 10% of my gross income. Which sounds nice, maybe, but I struggle with it at times.
First, I feel frustrated that being married to a grad student for 4 years cost me nearly half of the income I earned during that time - my savings were set back a lot when I handed over tens of thousands in cash and retirement funds that I have never fully felt was "ours" to divide up. Surely it can be debated what was the right or fair thing to do, but to some degree I feel taken advantage of, and I don't think it's sheer greed that makes me feel that way. I think in retrospect, my financial decisions during the divorce were driven largely by the immense guilt of being the only one who wanted to get the divorce to begin with...more on guilt to follow.
Second, this year I've spent thousands on travel, mainly between here and India, mostly on account of being in a relationship with an Indian and wanting to spend extended amounts of time with him and see if we can make things work. It's something I've wanted to do, but it's taken money that would otherwise have been savings and sunk it into airline tickets. And I'd love to have the situation resolve and have us be able to live in the same place, but I'm not sure how soon that will happen...so the travel spending will likely continue to be pretty high next year as well.
So with my savings flat, my investments fluctuating, and my projected expenses high, I'm struggling to keep my resolve to keep giving 10% of my income away. Already I'm a little behind on the past couple of months, and I'm just not totally sure what to do. On one hand, I feel like I make good money and only have to support myself, so I should do what I can to help others who don't have as good of a situation as I do. On the other hand, I feel like I could really use the savings so I can possibly buy a home, relocate, take a pay cut to pursue a job opportunity, etc. So I'm torn.
And back to guilt...I think it has a ton to do with it. I realized while on a solo walk this morning that I actually feel guilty for having a good income and not struggling, so it fills some sort of psychological need for me to give a lot of it away. I also feel guilty that I'm not an activist and am not that active in my community, that I work a corporate job that doesn't do something really good for the world but is primarily driven by profit. I struggle with finding meaning, and giving to causes that uplift people and create opportunities that otherwise wouldn't exist makes me feel better. But I am not so sure the sense of guilt about my status is a healthy motivator.
I struggle when I look at my finances, I try to tell myself that rather than cutting my giving I should cut my spending on myself, and probably there is some truth to that...but I don't feel like I live lavishly, and it's been a rough couple of years for savings, so it's really hard for me to stay the course and keep giving at the same level. But the feeling that I'm selfish and greedy for wanting to keep more for myself is still there. I know it's not totally fair to feel that way, that I have to grant myself some leniency since it's been a rough couple of years financially, but it is still difficult. I feel resentment about what the divorce did to my finances, so that also complicates things and also makes me feel badly for not totally letting it go. There's part of me that feels like by giving, maybe I'm trying to atone for the divorce and reclaim the moral high ground that my ex seemed so solidly to have over me...which is why I find myself resenting my ex: because I think he thought he was better as a person than me somehow and deserving of the money I earned for the years we were together. But really, it is likely more the nasty little voice at the back of my head than him whispering that to me. I haven't even seen him in months, and it really doesn't matter what he thinks of me, but still it influences me.
I guess in the end, I am trying to move forward in my own way, to find a balance between the things I want and need and my desire for meaning and contributing positively to the world, and I've lost both a lot of money and the person who held me accountable for the latter goal. If I live differently from how we lived together, does it mean that I've changed for the worse and become a more self-centered person? Rationally, I may say no, it does not, but it's a tough sell to my conscience.
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