Love and Learning

I'm a pretty restless person, or at least I've been in a restless state for long enough that it feels like a personality trait.  Partly it's that I've never reached a point when I've known exactly what I want and the action to take to make it happen -- I don't think most people have such moments of clarity, but the sense of "no, this isn't it", keeps me in motion.  I fear committing to anything that will limit my ability to alter my course if I change my mind - I think this is why most of the time the idea of having kids elicits a strong emotional "no!" from me.  And there's also a more positive force at play in my restlessness: my love of learning.  I want to keep learning, and with every new environment or situation I put myself in, my brain makes more connections, even if it gives me a fresh batch of gray hairs for the stress and effort involved. 

This is all a sort of long introduction to the specific thing on my mind tonight, which is what makes me stay in a relationship that is ultra-long distance and is bound to be that way for some time to come with no certain end in sight.  There is a way to spin it as totally romantic, and it really is, but I also hate it.  Talking at beginnings/endings of days, struggling at times to hear over traffic and unclear connections, staying in touch well enough to remain a meaningful part of each other's lives, even though we can't spend time together during our day-to-day lives.  So what keeps me going?  Love, obviously, but that's not all.  I feel like because I'm away from him so much of the time, I am learning to appreciate what's missing when there isn't everyday life to share - if we were together, I would more likely wonder if we were growing habitual and stale.  As things are now, I kind of wish I had that problem: too much time together! 

I also think that I've been forced to face the tendency I have to try to control in a relationship for fear of losing the other person.  It's a death grip-inducing fear I have based on the knowledge that good things can slip away - so I have a hard time knowing what the reasonable balance is between time with a significant other and time with friends, hobbies, and work.  Clearly every couple needs quality time together, but I tend to want a lot of it if given the option -- so it's not all bad for us to be getting some forced time apart so that we establish that we are in a relationship, but we still have individual lives to lead.  And then we can bring that individuality back and share it with each other when we talk, which I really enjoy.  Maybe that sounds oh-so obvious, but how people manage to stay together without holding onto each other with all their might is still something that is a mystery to me.  How do we let it ebb and flow and still feel confident that the outcome will be a healthy and happy relationship?  It almost induces panic in me, but it reassures me that I can feel the love and devotion coming my way, calmly and with intensity, even through the phone.  I'm fortunate that my guy is far more relaxed and patient than I am, both because it gives me the reassurance I want and because it means he's going to help make sure we're making decisions for the right reasons and not in haste.  This is where the love of learning comes in -- I think it's valuable for me to learn to be on my own, balance life as an individual with a long-term relationship, and have the patience to live through the experience of getting to the place we want to be together, wherever that ends up being.  I have to find joy in the process, not only the outcome.

I'm not sure that's totally thought through or well articulated, but that's all I've got in me for tonight...