The Uphill

I've really not felt like blogging much lately.  Partly it's that it feels like it requires so much explanation of my current context, which is almost impossible to explain, and partly it's that so much of it is emotional and hard for me to articulate.  I'm feeling relieved to be leaving Mumbai, which has not been an easy place for me to live, but sad to be leaving my few friends and guy here behind, and also disappointed that I don't feel like I have been able to adapt as effectively as I'd hoped over five months.  I'm also anxious about what it will feel like to be back in the US, in a place very familiar to me, after being away for a while in a place so distant physically and culturally.  I'm sure I'm going to answer with "haan" instead of "yeah" at times.  And going back to my old neighborhood and living alone again...I think it's going to be nice, but sometimes disorienting and scary and depressing.  My friends and family will be happy to see me, and I'll be excited to see them, but there's going to be part of me that isn't all there.  And of course there's the ache of going from seeing my guy every day to talking on the phone at odd times when we're both awake and available, and not knowing when we'll get to live in the same place again.  I think that's the one I'm most dreading at this point, though the loneliness of readjusting to Chicago and living on my own again also won't be fun.

I know I'm supposed to focus on the positive, but I don't think it will help to deny how difficult the next few weeks will be.  That said, I'll make the effort: The best piece of news I've gotten lately, which makes moving a lot better, is that my guy is going to get to visit the US in November and stay for both my 30th birthday and Thanksgiving.  I'm really excited that he'll finally get to see where I'm from and meet my family and friends.  Not the same as having him actually get to come and live in the US, but maybe it's a start down that path...