I'm feeling disappointed in myself because I feel myself slipping into melancholy again as I get closer to returning to the US. I feel out of control, and the anxiety is driving me to distraction and at least some tears every day. Sometimes I think I'm okay, that I'll make it through the day just fine, and then toward the end I just feel sad, or panicked, or both. And not only that, but the insecurity is making me cling to my guy with uncomfortable intensity, and unsurprisingly it's making him want more time away from me, which makes me feel even more insecure...and it's a vicious cycle.
I know it's understandable to feel anxious and insecure right now, but what is it in my psyche that makes me suddenly start thinking that maybe it's all going to fall apart, that my depression and erratic moods are going to drive my guy away for good? I feel so awful and painful to be around that I can't imagine why he spends so much time with me. It sounds pathetic when I write it out, because I know that I'm not always, only this way all of the time, and I know there are things about me that make me likable and someone he wants to be with. But at times when I don't have a lot to offer, when I need more than I can give, I feel guilty that he has to deal with me, and I lose sight of the fact that I'm not always a source of negative energy.
The other problem is my lack of close friends here who could also support me -- I have one other friend here who is close enough to confide in and talk about how I feel, and fortunately I get to spend time with her tonight. But mostly I feel alone -- some of it is because I do tend to isolate myself when I'm feeling especially low, I don't like being seen this way and I don't want to go out and pretend everything is normal.
I'm distracted and have a hard time focusing, even on important things like work, and I feel like I've become flakier, which makes me feel worse still. I wonder why other people seem to function fine even with adversity, while I'm here feeling incapable of the standard day-to-day activities of life.
I know it's understandable to feel anxious and insecure right now, but what is it in my psyche that makes me suddenly start thinking that maybe it's all going to fall apart, that my depression and erratic moods are going to drive my guy away for good? I feel so awful and painful to be around that I can't imagine why he spends so much time with me. It sounds pathetic when I write it out, because I know that I'm not always, only this way all of the time, and I know there are things about me that make me likable and someone he wants to be with. But at times when I don't have a lot to offer, when I need more than I can give, I feel guilty that he has to deal with me, and I lose sight of the fact that I'm not always a source of negative energy.
The other problem is my lack of close friends here who could also support me -- I have one other friend here who is close enough to confide in and talk about how I feel, and fortunately I get to spend time with her tonight. But mostly I feel alone -- some of it is because I do tend to isolate myself when I'm feeling especially low, I don't like being seen this way and I don't want to go out and pretend everything is normal.
I'm distracted and have a hard time focusing, even on important things like work, and I feel like I've become flakier, which makes me feel worse still. I wonder why other people seem to function fine even with adversity, while I'm here feeling incapable of the standard day-to-day activities of life.
1 comment:
Um, I don't think that other people function just fine in adversity. I think people are probably just good at hiding it, like you're probably doing (from most people).
I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. I wish I could make it better. My strategy with leaving Phoenix was just not dealing with it. I just did what I needed to do without thinking about it, and drove away without looking back. This may not be the healthiest approach, however. :)
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