It's been three months since I last wrote here, and I'm not sure what I'm even going to write about. I've got about four weeks left in India for now, and I'm finding myself really moody. I have a lot of anxiety about coming back, and though I've missed being in the US and seeing my friends and family there, I'm also leaving a lot here. Before I came here, I felt torn between two places, in a sort of limbo, and while I've been here my living situation has felt impermanent, and I feel like I'm going back to another temporary arrangement. I feel ready to proceed on with life with all of the elements in one place -- I'm tired of having a long-term relationship that's here, and a job that can sort of straddle two places, but home and friends and family elsewhere. I don't expect home to feel like home anymore with such a conspicuous absence of the person I want to spend the most time with. I am having a hard time deciding what to do when I get back to Chicago. Finding an apartment and moving in and trying to get settled seems like a good idea, but I have plans to travel for some extended periods and getting a place that I'll be in enough to consider it home seems unlikely. I know feeling at home in Mumbai is not something I could ever count on and in fact the place taxes my energy, but feeling at home even in a familiar place when I've got my life split across such distance is also not likely to happen. Maybe it's ungrateful of me, because I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but I'm feeling down and anxious about what comes next and how it's all going to work out in the end.
1 comment:
I know exactly how you feel. Although I didn't leave a romantic relationship in Phoenix, I was happier there than I think I've ever been. When I left, I anticipated that the next few months were going to suck, but I just had to get through it. And I wish I could say I was wrong, everything's awesome, but I was right. I'm homesick for Phoenix. I'm stuck in limbo. I'm anxious to start a new life, but I'm stuck here in Naperville for another four months (at least). There are some good things, but it's really hard. I think the same will be true for you, too. Fall is a great time to come back, so you'll be coming back to lots of wonderful things. But things are going to suck for a while, and you'll have to get through it. The bright side is that it's temporary; you know that things will get better. And I feel like it's better when you know in advance that something's going to be hard rather than just being blindsided by it. Sorry, this is long and not particularly encouraging... I guess the encouraging thing is that it WILL get better.
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