So, so much has been going on with me emotionally over the past week or two, and it's hard to know how to begin blogging about it. Especially since it's a lot of deep and long-standing personal stuff that has roots in a family dynamic I haven't lived inside of in more than a decade. So it's complicated and hard for me to articulate, but here I'll give a shot at beginning to...
The way I'm feeling right now is something like freer, lighter, less encumbered. Some of it's likely that I am about to embark on a new adventure in India, and I feel like I'm finally stepping forward after a pretty introspective year post-ended-marriage. Partly I have been eating a healthier diet as well. But another big part of it is discovering some parts of me that have been like locked up, forbidden wings of an old mansion (and for some reason the palace in Beauty and the Beast pops into my head as the image for this...)
I always thought my family had problems of the kind that every family has, nothing out of the ordinary. But the more I reflect, the more I realize how not normal it actually was. I am hesitant to go into detail because it's the proverbial dirty laundry, so I am going to at least try to stay general instead of citing specific examples. There was a dynamic in my family of my sister being the black sheep, the rebellious one, and the dominant emotion I remember feeling about the way my parents responded to her is fear. I steered clear of frequently explosive situations between them, and I developed some obsessive, perfectionist habits and became the model student. I behaved well to get my parents' approval instead of their wrath, and in doing so I limited which parts of me were allowed to be shown to the world, as well as to myself. And I also absorbed a sense that my gain was linked to my sister's loss, which has created a long-standing sense of guilt, and I think some of the decisions I've made as an adult have been attempts at atonement for the injustice that has chafed at me for so long.
I feel like I should limit how much more I say about the past, but at this point the reason I'm feeling good, given all of the deep emotional stuff, is that I feel more like me. I am seeing some good things that I didn't think were part of me, as well as realizing some not so great things I've thought about myself were actually imposed ideas that I don't have to buy into. I see a less distorted version of myself and I like it (and I hope the process continues, I doubt it can be over yet). I've decided not to keep trying to get complete acceptance and affirmation where it's never been offered, and I feel more able to take care of myself emotionally (taking care of the material things has never been difficult). It's weird, I find myself thinking, "So this is what it's like to feel self confident and not depressed. This is nice. I hope it stays."
The way I'm feeling right now is something like freer, lighter, less encumbered. Some of it's likely that I am about to embark on a new adventure in India, and I feel like I'm finally stepping forward after a pretty introspective year post-ended-marriage. Partly I have been eating a healthier diet as well. But another big part of it is discovering some parts of me that have been like locked up, forbidden wings of an old mansion (and for some reason the palace in Beauty and the Beast pops into my head as the image for this...)
I always thought my family had problems of the kind that every family has, nothing out of the ordinary. But the more I reflect, the more I realize how not normal it actually was. I am hesitant to go into detail because it's the proverbial dirty laundry, so I am going to at least try to stay general instead of citing specific examples. There was a dynamic in my family of my sister being the black sheep, the rebellious one, and the dominant emotion I remember feeling about the way my parents responded to her is fear. I steered clear of frequently explosive situations between them, and I developed some obsessive, perfectionist habits and became the model student. I behaved well to get my parents' approval instead of their wrath, and in doing so I limited which parts of me were allowed to be shown to the world, as well as to myself. And I also absorbed a sense that my gain was linked to my sister's loss, which has created a long-standing sense of guilt, and I think some of the decisions I've made as an adult have been attempts at atonement for the injustice that has chafed at me for so long.
I feel like I should limit how much more I say about the past, but at this point the reason I'm feeling good, given all of the deep emotional stuff, is that I feel more like me. I am seeing some good things that I didn't think were part of me, as well as realizing some not so great things I've thought about myself were actually imposed ideas that I don't have to buy into. I see a less distorted version of myself and I like it (and I hope the process continues, I doubt it can be over yet). I've decided not to keep trying to get complete acceptance and affirmation where it's never been offered, and I feel more able to take care of myself emotionally (taking care of the material things has never been difficult). It's weird, I find myself thinking, "So this is what it's like to feel self confident and not depressed. This is nice. I hope it stays."
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