Alone

I'm feeling pretty aimless and down lately, since returning from Mumbai. And I kind of don't want to blog about it because it feels kind of pathetic and whiny, too. But in general, I feel like I'm not really connected into a community, and I don't really know how to be. I don't know if it's just normal for someone who lives alone, but I spend a LOT of time by myself, and it makes me feel lonely and unmotivated. I don't just think think I could disappear and it would take a long time for people here to notice - I know it's the case, because most people I know, I see maybe once every couple of months. And maybe lately I've been lazy about putting in the effort to reach out and find time to see people, but it's partly because I know that if I don't, it's unlikely that they will. Maybe all of us are just bad at getting out or making a point to see people; but at times I also realize that most people I know have family or close friends who they are making a point to spend time with, and so their limited time and energy are devoted to them. I don't have family or a significant other nearby, and I'm finding it challenging not having that sort of go-to companionship that I had for a few years while I was married but that I've been lacking for the past year or more.

Now, I'd like to think of myself as a strong and independent woman and not a pathetic whiner, but this line of thinking really doesn't help my self esteem. I'd like to feel self sufficient and be content spending time with myself; and I'd like to feel like I can be a social go-getter who can go out into the world and make friends easily. But neither of those descriptions fit me right now. I know I could make more effort to do more fulfilling individual activities (reading, drawing, cooking, etc.), which would make my time alone a lot less lonely; and I know I could get out more (I am beginning a textile screen printing class next week, so that's good). I need to do these things. But at times, I want to hang out with someone else who knows me -- oh, man, the Cheers theme song just popped into my head ("sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name...") I'm guessing other people know this feeling, too -- sometimes I don't want to just go out and be with strangers just to get out of the house, I want some familiarity, to be in relation to someone else as more than a bystander or passerby. I tend to relish my alone time a lot more if it doesn't feel like a sentence but is in balance with relationships.

I guess that's all for now...sigh.