Desperately Wanting

"We're flawed because we want so much more. We're ruined because we get these things and wish for what we had." - Don Draper, Mad Men

Desire and its link to happiness have been on my mind a lot lately. Everywhere I look, including in the mirror, there are people who want more, who aren't where they'd prefer to be in life. None of us have everything we want, and we make tough trade offs between career, money, time, relationships, and other priorities.

The lesson I'm learning lately is that there is no "happily ever after", at least not one that's predicated on "she got everything she ever desired" or "she finally found the one piece that was missing". Perhaps by human nature, maybe partly on account of cultural forces, we all want more than we have now. And if we get what we want now, then we'll want more than that, too. To some degree, it's how we progress -- discomfort and discontent are motivators to change -- but it's also easy to lose sight of what we do have right now in our itch for more.

To some degree, seeing all of the wanting in myself and others is really frustrating because we can't seem to break the pattern. It could be that it's especially American to have a sense of entitlement, wherein if we want something and it brings us even momentary happiness, then we feel it's our right to pursue it. At its worst it becomes an endless materialistic pursuit, which is both selfish and ultimately unfulfilling -- a real waste of resources. To be fair, having our basic needs (physical and emotional) met is important, and I think that includes indulging at times (but still within reason, not so much that we self destruct). I spent a lot of time and energy for several years ignoring my emotional needs while I tried to be a good person and to require little. So now I find myself trying to find this happy balance somewhere between constant consumption and asceticism.

Most major organized worldviews (and in particular I'm thinking of Christianity, Buddhism, and the teachings of the yoga center I attend) instruct us that happiness is in the present, that the present is all that we have, is all that is real. Our minds naturally wander to things that have already happened or things that we anticipate in the future, but what is real is actually now:

"Life can be found only in the present moment. The past is gone, the future is not yet here, and if we do not go back to ourselves in the present moment, we cannot be in touch with life." - Thich Nhat Hanh (TNH)

I believe that there is a balance we need in life, between contentment on one hand and pursuit of something better on the other. Where we can go wrong is if we are misguided in what we pursue, if it's not really going to make things any better or bring us or others any benefit. I read somewhere recently about a research project that found that in the scheme of things, people get more happiness from things they have when they've been considering them for a while, when it's something that they anticipated rather than something they got on an impulse. This may seem to contradict the idea of living in the present, but I think it's actually in keeping with it. If we live too much by impulse or are overly driven by impatience, we can lose track of our real, lasting interests, the things that come to the surface when we are truly aware of ourselves in the present moment.

This is maybe a bit of a disconnected post, but I'm sort of mid-thought process, and I'm starting to be okay with that as a perpetual state of being. So I'll end with one final quote:

"Life is short. Time is fleeting. Realize the Self. Purity of the heart is the gateway to God. Aspire. Renounce. Meditate. Be good; do good. Be kind; be compassionate. Inquire, know Thyself." - Swami Sivananda