I can be less abstract here -- I don't remember what it felt like when I was happy in my marriage. And now that it's over, I can think back over the past several years and recall the fact that there were happy times and even remember the events in some amount of detail...but what it was like to be there and feel that way is gone.
I've not really journaled much throughout my life, but earlier this year when things were actively unraveling, I wrote about how I felt a few times, and I've been journaling a little bit lately as well. When I go back and read about my feelings, I can recall them better, which is encouraging to me -- it means I can still relate to myself from several months ago. And it makes me feel less callous, makes me realize that behind my analytical exterior and tendency to look forward and not back, I am also feeling my way through life as it's happening right now. But that also unsettles me a bit, realizing how feelings can be there in one moment and change in the next. It can make me feel unreliable in my judgments, even though I think I have fairly good judgment.
I guess what it comes down to is that it's just so hard to know something with certainty, because what we know is so tied to what we feel and experience and live. Committing to one version of reality, to one life path, to one person, without the option to change and adapt based on new information, is something I don't understand. How do people stay married for decades, truly til death parts them? And not just how, but why? What compels them aside from obligation? How do we keep growing together with another person in a way that is mutually enriching? Somehow I think it's both simpler and more difficult than it seems. Simpler, in that there are probably some basic principles to follow that help; and more difficult, because learning and applying basic principles is not as basic as the principles themselves, and applying them consistently enough to sustain a relationship over time is a tall order.
The funny thing about life, though, is that it's a learn-as-you-go venture. So while I'm thinking through these questions, I know that ultimately the answers are in living them out. This is not a style I'm naturally at ease with -- I like to look before I leap -- but I'm trying to learn to relax and have some appreciation for this sort of free fall.
1 comment:
I've been spending some time reading your blogs and it's really been amazing to see your transition over the last several months. It's made me think about the way I handle my own life, and made me ask myself questions about what I want for my own life. I am learning that I need to have more patience with others including myself, and life in general. Life is definitely about adaptation. I don't really know how marriages last for as long as they do. I was married for over ten years, and I made it last as long as it did because of the false belief that I was doing the right thing. I was protecting my son from becoming the victim of a broken family, but somehow I turned us both into victims initially. I don't see myself as a victim now. I was in that "relationship" for a reason. I was where God wanted me to be. In leaving, I found strength, and grew as a person. Some marriages last for decades, and I think in part, that attitudes about marriage vary depending on the person. It depends on what they saw around them growing up, in society, in their friend's homes, etc. There are so many ways attitudes can be shaped where that is concerned. Things have changed a lot over the last several decades, that's for certain. The important thing is to be happy and do what works for you. I've only been remarried three years, and it's been hard work. Pat and I have been through our ups and downs. Somehow despite financial issues, other issues, we get through it. I think it helps to be with someone I have a lot in common with. We have common ground to lean on in times when life just doesn't make sense. People who don't have a lot in common I think, have a harder time when difficulties arrise. I think the reason some people stay together until "death do us part" is because of their commitment to work through anything, regardless of what it is, which may not necessarily be the best thing in all cases. It all varies on a case by case basis. No one really knows how things will turn out. It's funny because I was on a job interview once where I got asked where I saw myself in five years. Really? This question is ridiculous. Really no one can reasonably "see" beyond an 18 month time frame. Things can change so quickly. You just have to figure out what makes you happy, and work to meet goals to get you to that place. I tend to be such an impatient person. I have a difficult time finding peace and happiness in the middle of times of high anxiety. I really struggle with that, and hope I can do better with this too...
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