What it takes

Lately, somewhat surprisingly, I have been finding more of the joy in life. And I'm finding that there are a lot of paradoxical forces at play, so it's hard to pull principles or nuggets of wisdom from what's happening around and inside me. But I do feel that I'm growing, and I'm becoming happier and fuller, even as I try both to grasp what's happening and not to grasp to quickly or tightly at anything during such a time of change.

The decision to strike out on my own is one that I know will be one of the biggest and most influential of my life. And people's reactions to it, both the reactions I know and the ones I imagine, as well as my own reactions, are mixed. There's sentiment that I'm selfish, cruel, immoral, a quitter, out of touch with reality. And there's sentiment that I'm strong, brave, self aware, caring. There are feelings both that I've done wrong and that I've been wronged. And I'm realizing that it's not all one way or the other. I think there's probably some truth to all of these characterizations. Which means there's plenty of reason to be humble and also plenty of reason to believe that I'm no better or worse than anyone else.

When it comes down to it, I believe I've made the right decision. I think in some ways, I have only very recently discovered some parts of myself, or at least allowed myself to acknowledge them. And right now, where I am is where I believe I'm supposed to be. Not where I ever expected to be, but I have this sense that it will be better than I imagined.

It's funny how even those of us who are known for self-sufficiency, confidence, and ability can still crave the approval and affirmation of other people. In an odd way, even though I'm generally not concerned with conforming, I still want people to like me. And so making a decision that both made my need for other people evident and put me in a less approved-of status was hard. Although it is a decision that I made for myself for the sake of my own happiness, that it has required such humility and sacrifice of me makes it extra hard to peg it as a wholly selfish act. Is it selfish to want to be happy? Is it selfish to decide that being happy requires more than a minor adjustment to my life? Is it selfish to decide that what is best for me is something that hurts someone else? Is it selfish to decide these things after giving my word that I would never make such an adjustment or hurt that other person this way? Maybe. But maybe there's some distinction to be made between selfishness and self interest.

In a strange way, I think I've come across as pushy, willful, and stubborn, while at the same time I've somehow failed to get what I want or need. And maybe there's some logic to that -- when I'm truly happy, there is not a lot I feel the need to demand, and I'm more circumspect. But when I'm seriously unhappy, I want more, and I am more apt to be less reasonable about less important things, which can come across as really selfish. But true, healthy self interest, what I've been trying to learn recently, makes decisions with emotional awareness. Emotional awareness is perhaps the thing I've been most lacking up to now: awareness of my needs and desires and their legitimacy, as well as those of other people. Wholeness as a person requires understanding and acceptance of who each of us truly is, not who we think we should be according to our ideals.

I think there's so much to learn, and so much I'm learning already, and it's humbling to realize how much I've missed. There are other people whom I admire greatly who seem to know some of these things so much better than I do. It makes me feel stunted, but also energized at the realization that there's so much more opportunity to grow. I feel tired sometimes when I think about how much work life is, how much it requires of each of us if we want to be truly fulfilled and purposeful. There's really no coasting toward contentment, it's something we make room for and help create.