Protagonist

This morning I began with a nice walk in my neighborhood and breakfast at the coffee shop nearby, then came back home to get to work on the to-do list I didn't get very much crossed off of yesterday. There's something about morning solitude that gives me such energy, and today it was extra invigorating to breathe the cool, rain-soaked air after the overnight storms.

And as it has been doing so much recently, the solo walk got my thought process up and running and helped bring some emotions up to the surface. While I was doing dishes, I was having one of my recurring lines of thought about the way that I can't control other people's responses to me, their version of my story or of the role I've played in their story. And it bothers me that I may be remembered as a negative player in others' stories, and I'm afraid I'll be seen at best as a psychologically flawed character and at worst as an unqualified villain. Some sort of unsympathetic caricature. As much as I know that I have to do what is best for me right now, it's difficult to cope with people I've known and cared about for so long suddenly cut off and possibly viewing me this way. It's difficult not to have editorial control over my image or the ability to speak for myself. I know I have to let this go, to accept that what's really important is the narrative that I still have the leading role in -- my own life -- but it's going to take time to figure out how to live that way.