Maybe it's because at the same time that I am feeling happy, there's a lot happening in and around me that is stressful, worrying, uncertain, unfair. A couple of thoughts for tonight...
I've been realizing the extent to which so many women, myself included, go out of our ways to accommodate the people around us. Otherwise strong, independent, and fantastically capable women can have this surprising tendency to put up with a large amount and broad variety of nonsense, particularly from men. For me, it's part of my desire to be self sufficient -- don't ask for anything, try not to need or want or expect anything. And somehow I manage to feel guilty and intrusive and even unreasonable if I do need or want or expect something from someone else. I want to give without taking. But alas, this is not healthy or sustainable. I'm learning to be attentive to myself and to speak up for myself, but it's really hard.
I've also been thinking tonight about the idea of peace. I've heard that peace isn't the absence of conflict but the presence of something better -- perhaps love, patience, intent in practice. And that's really ringing true right now. Accommodating other people endlessly and avoiding conflict actually decreases peace. I think that in my marriage, there was little conflict at all, but at least part of it was avoidance of conflict rather than true harmony. That's damaging stuff, a destroyer of inner peace and ultimately also interpersonal peace. So I've been trying to be more honest even where it's difficult, and what I'm finding is that it's creating peace, which, incredibly, makes space for happiness. Lovely.
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