Self Love

I've begun a new routine of going for early morning walks on days when I work from home. It gets me out into the world and gets my mind and body up and functioning. It helps me to be more conscious of my emotional state and get perspective on what's going on in my life. And somehow being out and moving enables me to look at things more positively -- maybe the physical act of walking becomes symbolic of an internal progression: I'm moving, I'm going somewhere.

During my walk this morning, I thought about self love and how difficult it really is. I'm living alone for the first time in my life and facing a truth that I've known but hadn't dealt with before -- that I'm afraid of being alone, and I don't know what to do with myself because I want someone around to keep me company and to validate me. I have a tendency to scan the world around me for information and to assimilate it, which I think is a valuable skill to have. But I think that in addition to my love of learning that drives me to do this, there's also this other motive of wanting some outside confirmation that who I am and what I'm doing is good. I want a stamp of approval, a pat on the back. Now there's nobody here to give me that, and I'm forced to find something more stable within me for balance.

I need to learn to love myself, and so do most people I know. I'm still very early in a process that will probably never fully end, but here are some of the things I think will be a big part of it...

• Forgiveness. My acceptance of myself has been way too dependent on worthiness, living up to some standard of goodness. But I've failed, and I'm going to keep failing no matter how hard I try. I'm going to fail myself and other people, and I'm going to make decisions that don't turn out well, and I have to forgive myself of that.
• Being conscious of the present. I'm so goal focused, always looking for the purpose of everything I do, always plotting how to get closer to the that "real meaning", that I miss out on what's going on right here, now. And so much of the real meaning is here and now, in the process. When I forget that, I forget to tend to my own needs.
• Having fun. Related to the last point, I've never thought that it was worthwhile to do things just for the sake of doing them. I've wanted some compelling reason, some higher purpose. I've downplayed and even disdained emotions that don't lead to something productive. But we all need to have a good time, to experience some joy, and to realize that we deserve it.
• Believing that I deserve to be happy. I didn't even realize this was a problem until I was talking with my therapist and she asked me why I don't think I deserve to be happy. And I realized that I have had this assumption all along that I don't deserve anything. It goes something like, why should I feel entitled to anything? All I see are my responsibilities and how well I live up to them -- that is, I see what flows outward from me, but not not what could flow back into me. We all need things flowing back into us, we all need to give as well as receive. Without allowing some inflow, the outflow dwindles. I want to contribute to others' joy, but I can only do that if I am happy myself -- and I need to make sure my happiness is being fed.
• Balance. Taking care of myself is a product of my love for myself. And to take care of myself, I need both alone time and a social life, quiet time and noise. I need physical, intellectual, mental, and spiritual health. I need to indulge and possess self control, to be emotional and rational, to rest and to exert myself, to take responsibility and to be free of my worries. I can't ignore a vital part of myself in favor of another part that's easier for me to deal with. Balance is hard, and it's a dynamic and ongoing process that involves a lot of self awareness and emotional maturity. I'll be working on this one for a long time to come.