Lessons

I am blogging from work. I have so much to do, and maybe it's unprofessional, but I really had to bang this one out because there's been a lot on my mind this morning.

I've been learning an overwhelming number of lessons lately. I feel like I'm being stretched to the breaking point, pressed down under the weight of the reality of my life. And it's a reality I am choosing in spite of its difficulty, although I have plenty of moments of doubt and anxiety. Some of what I'm learning...

1. I've always believed that relationships are what make this life so rich and worthwhile and that they're also what put us most at risk. They bring out the best and worst of experiences, the best and worst in ourselves. We have in us the power to build and create and also to hurt and destroy. I'm understanding this more and more every day -- it's one of the things that I have always known was true, but now I'm experiencing it more profoundly.

2. When making big decisions, it's easy to agonize. I tend to over-think things, to worry endlessly about the consequences of a decision before making it. I've had a lot of up and down days lately, and it's hard to keep track or predict where I'll be emotionally from one day to the next. So I've tried to be mindful on days when I'm feeling particularly emotional or anxious: those days are not decision-making days. So I try to save it for the days when I am calm and can consider things with clarity. The other days I focus on survival by whatever means possible.

3. Other people's desires and perceptions are terrible guides for personal decisions. This isn't to say being considerate is a bad thing -- but we have to live by our own consciences. I've spent a lot of time worrying about what people will think of me, how I live and the decisions I make and the truth of my failings. But the truth is, my story is mine, even if nobody understands it or if others reject it. I have become my own champion in some respect, as I've had to stand alone by my choices.

4. I'm learning that good and bad aren't as clear as I thought before, that they can get tangled up together in confusing ways. I guess this is why we're told, "Judge not lest ye be judged."

5. I've always had a strong fear of failure, and I've done a lot to avoid situations where I could fail. Right now I'm facing a massive fail, and I'm learning what it is to accept that failure. And a lot of that is learning what it means to fail and to continue loving and respecting myself. It's an uphill battle.

6. Related to my aversion to fail is my aversion to take any risk at all, but I've found myself in a situation where all I can choose is risk. I'm at a point in my life where any course I take could possibly lead to a lot of pain, so there is no "easy way out" option. So I'm learning what it is to make a decision and live it, come what may.

7. I've always been very goal-oriented -- everything I do, I want to be toward some greater purpose, some sort of clear meaning. I am learning to be present, in the current day and moment, and it's maybe the hardest thing to learn of all. I don't know what's next, I don't know if there's a "next", what I have is now, and so I have to be in it. My 17-month-old niece helps me with this a lot -- she knows nothing but the moment she's in, and she draws me into it with her. I'm trying to stop over-thinking and start living more.

8. I have to be more independent, confident, and assertive than I've ever been before. I have to take care of myself. This is an especially odd lesson because I thought I already had these things covered, but there's so much more to learn.

This feels rather brief relative to the amount of internal processing that's been happening in me, but I guess it's still pretty long. That's all for now...I'll probably be back with more soon